Increasing Emotional Awareness
A cornerstone of the work I do with clients is centered around increasing the ability to identify, acknowledge, and name different emotional states. This might sound pretty basic and elementary, but for many, identifying emotions is not only difficult, but also quite scary. For many of us, we have never been given the opportunity or the space to even feel our emotions, let alone understand the messages they might be sending.
Growing up we learn quite quickly which emotions are safe to feel and which are not, and we adapt our behaviors and feeling states to appease those around us. This often results in developing a hypervigilant nervous system that alerts us when we should hide/shut off what we are feeling in order to maintain safety and connection. So, what does all of this mean?? It means that many of us don’t actually know what we’re feeling.
I have observed this to be true in lots of ways:
1) Emotions are often mislabeled as thoughts. This is a big one, especially for those who were often praised for their accomplishments or intellect. For example, statements such as “I feel distracted” or “I feel motivated” are both states of mind and don’t actually get into the feeling behind it. This type of identification is very common in the US where so much of our value is put on our minds and cognitions. It can become quite difficult to drop down into the body and identify what’s actually showing up there when neither our family nor our society teaches us how. We will begin slowly, by simply going deeper: “When you are distracted, you feel what?”. Sometimes the answer comes quickly (“I feel angry”) and sometimes it takes a bit of gentle guidance and curiosity.
2) The emotion is dismissed, avoided, or completely shut down. All of these are classic defense mechanism learned most often in childhood, and they were developed to protect you. When you are taught your emotions are “unacceptable” or dangerous in some way, your nervous system wires itself to protect you. You unconsciously prevent any of these “unsafe” emotions from being seen or felt by others. The origins of these defense mechanisms are often created to avoid ridicule, embarrassment, shame, or some other form of emotional/verbal abuse by a caregiver or in your community. Or perhaps you learned over time that putting your emotions on display doesn’t result in the care you want or desire. It becomes much easier, and safer, to cut yourself off from your emotions to avoid feeling pain or rejection.
3) You were never taught that feelings are a natural, normal part of being human. While caregivers are often doing the best they can, many adults are quite uncomfortable with big emotions - their own, of course, but also the emotions of their children. For someone who isn’t comfortable with anger, sadness, or pain, the presence of these intense feelings can result in an overwhelming need for the feelings to go away, to “fix it”, to move on, suck it up, be strong, etc. These messages to disavow or get rid of intense feelings are internalized by children, which can later show up as chronic shame, confusion, or fear when having a big feeling.
When we don’t know what we are feeling or take our feelings seriously, it can be almost impossible to know how to soothe ourselves in healthy ways. The inability to identify or accept emotional states can lead to a variety of misguided attempts at self-care and unhealthy relationships with substances, food, work, money, exercise, or people. These relationships are often at the heart of what brings clients to therapy in the first place, which gives you an idea of how tightly linked our behaviors and feelings actually are.
The process of getting to know your emotional states often involves exploring a lifetime of emotional and behavioral patterns. It is an ongoing process through which we will take our time, allowing your comfort level and capacity dictate the pace.
